My Own Worst Enemy

"Makes you run, never stop 

Got to win, got to run 'til you drop 

Keep the pace, hold the race"

-Iron Maiden "The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner"

I'm frustrated today. And I know it's all in my head. This weekend, my fears were confirmed. I have shin splints. This isn't the first time I've had them. I had them in days of yore when I was a sprinter/hurdler on the track team. The mental panic left over from that is hard to fight for me. When I had them back then, I could barely walk after a work out/race. I pushed through it, but that was over 20 years ago.

So after the confirmation during yesterdays run, the cross connected, short circuiting mess that is my mind really started fucking with me. I did everything I could to keep those demons at bay. I read, I tried to watch Game of Thrones Season 2 (GoT0331!), got some REALLY good advice for a ton of awesome people on twitter.

Join The Realm

Aside: I never thought I would find so many supportive and all around awesome people twitter. Runners, Triers and Duers all happy to lend advice and encouragement. Even some non-athletes chiming with general encouragement. And one who thinks I'm a polecat.

Polecats are cute, unlike me.

But at the end of the day when I'm laying in bed in the dark, it's just me and my thoughts. All my self doubts come crashing down on me. Wondering if this is the beginning of the end of running for me. Panicking because of the incredible sense of betrayal from my own body. Stressing over the memories of every step being pure agony.

Of course this just spirals me down even further. The demons are hard for me to fight. I'll be the first to admit I have deep seated issues about failing and self image. Training for duathlons has really helped with them. The day I hit and maintained an 11 minute/mile pace was pure ecstasy  So conversely, something as worrying to me as shin splints is the deepest pit of despair right now.

It's times like this, I despise my solitary ways. I'm a loner by nature. I don't do well in groups and have a hard time relating to people, thusly making it hard to make friends. For most of my life, I was ok with this. I was content to slug it out on my own. Of course I was a lot angrier then than I am now. That anger was fuel for me.

But we all change in life. Gone is that rage of my misspent youth. It's been replaced with acceptance. This latest thing is something I refuse to accept. I refuse to be sidelined by this. I will fight my own demons and I will get past this. It's going to take a ton of hard work. I'm even willing to bet there will be tears and blood to season the frustrations and victories. This is the work of endurance sports. Not just the physical training, the mentally fighting through hurdles and setbacks. I will make it work and make it happen.

So say we all.